The Aftermath
by JM Reagan
Summary: A story about Steve McGarrett's journey back from the hell of PTSD
1. Chapter 1

**~The Aftermath~**

**A story about Steve McGarrett's brave journey back from the hell of PTSD~**

My receptionist, Faith, knocked on the door to my office at 3:28.

"Dr. Phillips, Commander Garrett is here to see you."

"Thank you, Faith. Please send him in."

When he walked through the door, I had to remind myself he was a client. His stride was confident, like most Navy SEALs. He was, by far, the most handsome man I had ever met! As I told myself to refer him, he smiled and extended his hand.

"Thank you for seeing me so soon, Dr. Phillips. I'm Steve McGarrett."

"It's nice to meet you, Cdr. McGarrett. I'm Juliann Phillips. You may call me Juli, if you wish."

"Only if you call me Steve, Juli."

There was something in his eyes. Something so painful & sad...I immediately went from schoolgirl to psychologist: he needed my help.

"Okay, Steve it is. How may I help you?"

Then came _the pause_; the one that people who have endured hell beyond all imagination take just before they draw a breath & find the courage to face the demons which had been torturing them.

"I was in The Teams. Before that, Navy Intel. I've seen & done the worst to defend my country from all enemies, foreign & domestic. I have no regrets. What's bothering me is what happened after I left The Teams. The governor asked me to head up a task force to hunt down the man who killed my father. I was so blood hungry & determined to find this motherfucker who took both my parents! It was all I thought about...until he found me & tortured me..."

He paused & I saw the tears forming in his eyes. I waited as he found the strength to continue.

"You understand, there are certain things which can't be disclosed...classified."

"I do, Steve. Was your torture classified?"

"No."

'Then, why don't you tell me what was going on with you as you were being taken." I suggested with a smile.

When he lifted his gaze to mine, his eyes began to read me as though they were searching my soul for a sign that I could be trusted...it touched me: this brave warrior, so twisted in pain, yet so loyal to his country that he would rather suffer in silence than place any citizen in harm's way by divulging classified information. Once a SEAL, always a SEAL!

"Steve, allow me to bring a little clarity to this relationship. I greatly admire your devotion to your country &, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for placing yourself in dangerous & violent situations to protect the freedoms I enjoy as an American citizen. It is a debt I can never repay but it _is _why I worked my ass off to be in a place where I can be of service to those of you who come home with horrible injuries that most people can't see.

I have had my battle with PTSD & found that I relate to combat vets the most. I was determined to learn how to overcome this obstacle! Here's what I did;

I found a therapist who specialized in PTSD, as I now do. I decided to face this demon who was robbing me of sleep & doing what it could to destroy my relationships. I refused to be it's victim anymore & became willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. It began the first time I opened my mouth & started telling the haunting secrets.

I went back to college, majoring in Psychology & eventually earned my PhD. I chose to make my specialty PTSD to help heal combat vets when they came home. Why did I choose this path? Because long ago, the night before my uncle's last wedding, he introduced me to this buddy of his who was a Marine from the first Gulf War.

He was having a tough day & began to open up to us about what was going in his head. Although he gave no details of his missions, he talked about violent things he had done to protect his brothers. Then he talked about how those memories tortured him; he had to sit with his back to the wall facing the entire room of anywhere he went; that he had hurt a few people as a result of their unwise decision to approach him from behind; that every time he closed his eyes, he relived those memories as though were actually happening; he would jump & have horrible flashbacks every time he heard a sudden, unexpected noise & immediately go into defense mode; and a lot of other things. By the time he finished, he & I were both crying! I related to everything he said. It was kind of like he was talking about me & I told him that I had never thought anyone else had ever felt that way. I have never forgotten that night!

My entire family, with me as the exception, have served our country in the US Navy. I had always regretted my choice not to serve. That night, however, my dream to serve was born: I wanted to overcome PTSD & help others to do so as well. I wanted to help heal our nation's combat vets who had served so fiercely for me. I serve just as fiercely for them. I will serve fiercely for you, protecting your confidences, classified or not, Steve. I am trusted with top-secret information that I will defend with all my might. And I only self-disclose when I feel it will help. I say this in response to you're looking into my eyes and searching my soul for confirmation that I could be trusted,"

I swear, his eyes twinkled and he smiled as he said, "Busted!" We laughed a little and then we moved on, agreeing to stand together to face his demons.

~End of Chapter~


	2. Chapter 2

** ~The Aftermath~ ****chapter two**

**I apologize for taking so long in getting chapter two done. Thank you to all who reviewed! I must say that I was blown away by the things you said! A special thank you to my treasured friend, Mister E Writer. Not only has she encouraged me to write this story, she also wrote some of Steve's thoughts, at the end. I would like to encourage you to read her amazing three-part story, "My Father's Shadow." It's an incredible story that will keep you hungry for more! It's also based on Steve.**

*****One month later*

_I can't breathe! My gut is screaming at me to RUN! So I run, knowing that, if he touches me, I'll die. I'm running faster than I ever thought I could but he's getting closer & closer. My lungs are gasping for air as I hear my conscious voice whisper in my ear, "Juli. Stop running. Face him." _

_"I can't! If he catches me, I'll die," I scream to my concious voice!_

_"Juli, trust me...stop running,"_

_I stop running & suddenly, he's all around me. I AM TERRIFIED! Slowly, I turn to face him. I take a breath before I begin to step towards him. As I stare into his evil eyes, I almost lose my courage & but hear myself say, "I will not be your victim! Not now! Not ever again! I belong to my Father & you are henceforth, forbidden to come near me!"_

_The more I speak, not once breaking eye contact, I notice that he is shrinking. As he shrinks, I grow taller & stronger. My fear is gone as I give one last declaration of independence, "You will not invade my thoughts because you are nothing to me! NOT NOW! NOT EVER AGAIN! Be gone."_

_He's screaming & running from me in terror as I watch him explode! I am free..._

I awaken & reach for my dream journal. The birds outside are singing sweetly & I can hear the surf gently caressing the shore outside my window. As I write the last sentence, I feel a smile spreading throughout my entire being because I have just realized that my horrific tragedies have become my greatest gifts in that they have strengthened me & given me compassion I never would have known possible without them.

I walk outside to the beach behind my house & breathe in the morning. As I lift my eyes to the heavens, I whisper, "Thank You, Father."

*Later that day*

"Steve, as I count back from 20, you will feel the fear leaving you as you awaken. Breathe, Steve...20, 19, 18..."

His eyes opened & he reached for my hand. I reached out & could feel his cold shaking hand wrap around mine.

"You're safe, Steve. You are on the island of Maui, in the state of Hawaii in The USA. I'm here with you. You are not alone. You're safe & have a tremendous amount of courage to do what you just did."

"Right! That's me. Commander Courageous," he said with a look of disgust.

"Comdr. McGarrett, it took a tremendous amount of courage to face the demon that's been haunting you."

"Then, why did I freak out?"

"Because it's the first step. The first step is always terrifying."

"How could I possibly tell you how scared I was & how much I hate myself for allowing that emotion? SEALs don't cower! We push through & eliminate the threat!"

"I don't know what it is to be a SEAL. I do, however, know the courage it takes to face the demon. I also know how scary it is to do so & I just saw it in you. Now, please tell me what happened when I put you under, if you're ready."

He looked into my eyes & began. "The cattle prod...omg! Everytime I watched him come towards me with it, I'd see this smug, cocky-assed look in his eyes. He held it there longer & longer every time. The only way I got through that was to think of Hell Week. I kept telling myself that I would not allow him to defeat me..."

Then came the tears. The ones we all shed when we realize we made it out alive but have been forever changed. Tears seasoned with shame. Bitter tears that he tried to force back.

"Were you restrained?"

"I **was hanging from the fucking ceiling**," he screamed to me!

"God, Juli...I'm so sorry! I did not mean to yell at you..."

"Steve, I didn't take it personally. It's a highly emotional moment & I urge you to express each & every emotion that comes up. Please tell me more about what you were thinking. The part where you said that the only way you got through it..."

"My thoughts were on my family. My parents who were long since dead; I wondered if they would be proud of the man I had become, of the things I had done in defense of my country. My sister, Mary; had I done enough to show her that I love her, would she forgive me for going after the man who had destroyed our family.

I thought about my friends, my brothers, who had been lost over the years. The number of horrific situations we found ourselves in; the numbers of lives we had been forced to take in the course of the mission our government had given us; the violent ways in which they died. I don't regret anything I've done - I believed in our cause - and I would do it all over again . I don't regret it and I know they died doing something they believed in; they died the way they lived: fighting to defend their loved ones back home. When he was torturing me I wondered about what they would say - would they find it ridiculous that I turned to bloodthirsty revenge, especially after everything I've seen and done with my life?

I thought about my team, my ohana: I left them to help out a former member of my team. Jenna... she flat-out lied to me. She deceived me but, in my quest for revenge, I blindly followed her. Then there's him... the man who destroyed my family. As fucked up as it was, it was still my family. He ruined that..."

"And here you are: ALIVE! You survived, Steve. Those thoughts saved your life right along with your training in enduring torture. Someday, you will find him. When the time comes, I have no doubt you will do the right thing."

"I not only believe I'll find that motherfucker...I know I will! Whether or not I do the right thing...I don't know."

"Steve, I have something for you," I said as I pulled out the leather-bound book I had found for him. It's front cover was embossed with the US Navy SEAL trident.

"This is a dream journal. Keep it beside your bed & each time you awaken from a nightmare, immediately write it down. This journal is for your eyes only. If you choose to share it with me, maybe we can figure out how to defeat those nightmares. I keep one, myself & use it to remind me how far I've come.

When you finish writing & close it, look at the Trident & remember who you are. You got through Hell Week. You will get through this."

"This is beautiful! Thank you, so much, Juli!"

"Thank you for your service, Commander McGarrett! I'll see you next week but feel free to call me at any time you need."


End file.
